1. The Cannibal’s Conundrum
In the void before memory began to function, you discovered paper.
“Horrie, did you give him the toilet roll?”
“Yeah. It’s the only thing that shuts him up.”
“But it isn’t good for him, playing with the same thing all the time.”
“He likes dunny paper. Can’t do any harm.”
“But he tears it up and throws it all around the place. Look at this mess. There’s balls of it everywhere. Oh Horrie, he’s chewed this bit into a wad....”
“Yeah, yeah, and he pokes holes in it and he ties everything up with it. I reckon he’s a real inventive kid. Does everything except wipe his bum with it. And the sooner he learns that, the better, I can tell yer.”
“Horrie, don’t be vulgar. Oh God, Horrie, he’s eating it. Stop it, bubba, that’s disgusting. Unhealthy.”
“It’s only unhealthy after someone’s used it...”
.
“You’re disgusting. Oh, look, he’ll choke on it.”
“Only way he’ll learn not to eat it.”
“He’s swallowed it, Horrie.”
“You see. Didn’t choke at all.”
“Horrie, this is serious. You don’t have to take him to the Community Health Centre. All the other bubbas have rattles and teddies. Ours has toilet paper. It’s humiliating. I’m going to take it off him.”
“If you do, he’ll scream the house down. If he does, I’m off to the pub.”
So it was said that at the beginning of your life that you drove your father to drink.